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| In another world, another time, she exists. She is beautiful, confident, intelligent, witty and patient. Her eyes are a piercing bright lavender color that matches her personality—calm, dainty yet strong. She is an average height. Not the height of an Amazon woman but not too short. She is the perfect height. Her skin is as smooth as Lindt's milk chocolate on the inside. The touch of her skin is like a splash from a milk chocolate waterfall. As she walks, the world follows. Her hair, naturally highlighted by the rays of the sun, is brownish-black with the scent of cotton candy as the rest of her body.
When she speaks, the world listens. She is not arrogant but confident in her intellect. She is desired by all men and women. She is respected and loved. She was raised by a wealthy family. Wealthy in love and affection.
She is an ambitious woman. She will accomplish her goals in a successful manner. She knows this. The people that come into her presence know that she is a successful and powerful queen. A queen of a land that all want to go.
She has been trapped for 25 years. Trapped in darkness. Silence. Her body and consciousness stuck in a state of suspended animation. Every year a part of her body is awakened. She is slowly rising. Rising free from the state of being locked in chains of despair, depression, doubt, low self-esteem and ignorance.
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| So I've been living and working in Japan for a few weeks(Yes!! Goal #2 of 5 complete!). I'm so glad to be back!!
I realized how ignorant I was of the value of money when I was a study abroad student. I went through thousands of dollars in a month during my study abroad. I thought things were a lot cheaper here in Japan. Oh....little did I know. However, that could've been the case since that was 5 years ago that I studied abroad in Japan. The world-wide economy was doing somewhat well at the time.
I didn't come here with much money. I didn't want to sell Henry, my car. He's my first car and I thought to be safe, just in case, things didn't work out here I'd have Henry take me to either back to Ohio or some other state to start my life. The fees in Japan are quite ridiculous and vast. English teachers don't make that much, anywhere in the world that is, so I've been stressed out about finances. I interviewed with the JET program in February but I didn't want to sit around and wait for them to give me an "Accepted" or "Thank you for your time" letter. I was given the opportunity to come back to Japan and work for a company one of my study abroad buddies introduced me to. I couldn't help but take him up on this offer. I had nothing else to loose. I didn't want to continue living in my parents' house, substitute teaching for $7.25 an hour, hating myself and questioning the point of going to college wasting thousands of dollars I nor my parents don't have. So I accepted the job offer.
The job offer was quite sudden. The company wanted to me to come to Japan March 23 or 22nd, when we only had a phone interview twice the week before March 22nd. xD It was difficult getting here due to finances and also the weather. My first attempt to leave from Virginia to Texas to Japan failed due to the weather in Texas. It was crazy because when I looked at the flight schedules every flight had said "On Time" except mine!!! >< But I tried again the following day and everything worked out. It was crazy, brave and spontaneous to just pick up and leave as fast as I did. It was crazy, brave and spontaneous but I knew I was ready for this. This is what I wanted. I wanted to come back to Japan to teach English because I actually like teaching English or Japanese. My main objective is to get my Japanese back to the level it was when I was in high school and beyond. Back then, I was so naive, so full of ambition, motivation, passion and dreams. I'm still full of ambitions and dreams. Motivation and passion.....not so much. After learning what the Japanese truly think about non-native Japanese, themselves, what some white people think about me( a black female), my motivation and passion seemed to die down drastically.
I know, I know. Who gives a shit about what other people think? They're going to think what they want. I've learned that I can't change every individual's racists perceptions. I really wish I could go back to being that color-blind, naive little girl I once used to be. Life was so much easier and enjoyable then. Now, I feel loaded with the burden of a thousand souls. I don't know how else to describe it. Living in a foreign country even with other Americans, I'm still alone. More alone than I was before. I have to play the foreign ambassador, the spokeswomen for all black females living in America. It's quite burdensome. It sucks. I try not to think about it and just....be me. lol Because that's pretty much all I can do. I remember feeling like this before when I was in Japan. Being the only naturally dark-skinned female within the vicinity. The stereotypes about my ethnicity has already been highlighted as a "bad taboo." I know I can't help change everyone's perception. I, only, can only do so much. And no matter what I do or say I will be loathed by others, more than I would like. It's an unfortunate truth that I have to accept...?
Yesterday I went to another training seminar. I've noticed that there are a lot of American and European males working as English teachers in Japan. You'd think there would be more females than males, but nope it's predominantly white males. And a majority of them are quite arrogant. Why that is, I'd like to know the answer to that myself. ^^ lol
Going back to the topic of being a spokeswomen for black American females, I've noticed a majority of the white males that come here to Japan have never been exposed to black people in their country. The fact that the English teachers here that have never been exposed nor care to be exposed to black Americans, among Japanese historical xenophobia, I believe to be the reason why blacks have such negative cogitation in this country.
My co-worker is from Ohio. He's really funny and I'm glad he's working with me at the same junior high school. ^-^ I'd be a complete wreck since I'm new to teaching English in Japan at a traditional Japanese school. He told me a few days ago that he never had any black friends and all of his friends are white. That's sad. Sad in the sense that he's not very cultured. Sorry if it sounds arrogant, but I believe a teacher that goes international should be multicultural. Especially being an American and going to an international country, one should have a solid understanding and encounter with all ethnic groups existing in ones' country. I've encountered, befriended and dated white Americans, black Americans, Africans, Europeans, Hispanics, Asian Americans(pinoy/pinay, japanese, korean, chinese, mangolian, vietnamese, etc), Middle Eastern asian, Native Americans, I can go on. I haven't dated all (then I would be a whore lol) but I've definitely befriended and had conversations with all. I think it's essential to have exposure to other ethnic groups.
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| The title of this entry pretty much sums up what is going on in my life at the moment. Nothing.
Just day after day of being annoyed living with my senile parents, substitute teaching for children that think they're 35 years old, and most of all wasting my time, money, hope and energy on bogus interviews.
My boyfriend, #7, is still in my life and perhaps for a good reason. I may have to go back to Ohio. There might be something there that I missed or I should just go back in general to continue on my path to my definition of 'success.' Because I refuse to live here with my parents forever and have them annoy the shit out of me until I have a mental breakdown or worse, a brain aneurysm.
Before I decide to move and become indebted to #7, I need to be sure that there is nothing else here for me in this area. Nothing that hasn't been overlooked. Nothing that hasn't been thought about. I don't want to move back to Ohio to discover opportunities hiding here.
Henry(my car) is still sick. According to #7 and some other sources, my alternator might be giving out on Henry. I'm not for certain what the problem is with him. But it's certainly not going to help my bank account or my traveling getaway endeavors, because it's going to cost around $90 for only a diagnosis. I could use a getaway right now. I could really use some peace and quiet to think about my next moves.
Right now I'm seriously failing as an adult and it's not cool. Not cool at all. I need to get the ball rolling again with making bank, high self-esteem, priorities set and straight and feeling successful. Because I feel like a bum and I'm beginning to look like a bum. -_-x
I'm at a complete loss of what to do right now. A well-paying job would definitely be a start, moving out of my parents house and having my own place again would be next on the list. But I can't do anything until a company hires me!!!
I just need a company to give me a chance to show how much of an asset I am. I mean, how am I not an asset to a company!? I'm bilingual (Japanese & English), I'm computer literate, high efficiency level with all Microsoft programs, I've been tested on my typing speed and it's about average, I have experience in retail, with teaching and babysitting children, technical translating(automotive) and interpreting experience(music entertainment), office assistant experience, I'm even CPR and AED certified! What the fuck are these companies looking for!? Is it because I'm a woman? If you want to be sexiest, I can operate a copy and fax machine, cook, clean and make coffee and tea!! Is it because I'm black? If you want to be racists, I'm fluent in both white American English and ebonics, I don't do any kind of drugs, I drink socially and I can sing and dance!!! TELL ME!! I don't know what these companies are looking for anymore. It's crazy. No matter how many times or how long I review each company's profile, it's obsolete. I feel as if I have to do a dance, juggle a few babies with flaming bowling ballpins and do a handstand on a table in order to get hired at a decent company. From what I've heard even McDonald's is becoming extremely selective in hiring.
I don't know anymore. All I do know is that I'm mentally and physically tired. I want to give up so bad. Just end it all, but I know that all of my past efforts will be in vein. I will not do that to my parents, my sister, to myself and most of all to God. As much as my parents get on my fucking nerves, they are very good parents and I am thankful to have them as my parents.
I'll continue on until my last breath.
Something will work out, right?
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|  Oh dear me...
All the entries and random horribly written poems I wrote about #7 have suddenly become omitted. Yes, after doing a counter-strike of being a psychopath, calling his phone 30x and texting(as he had done to me at one point in time), we made amends.
-sigh-
Loneliness is surely a disease. A disease that can cause an inflammation of another disease called, stupidity.
I wonder what the cure is for them? Because I sure as hell need them, pronto.
Because we bought each other tickets with front row seats on that roller coaster of misunderstandings, wavering feelings and confusion that we used to ride.
I am happy to talk with him again. And I'm absolutely exuberant about having another excuse out of VA. Because I hate this area of VA with a passion beyond your imagination. I must have a change of setting and atmosphere from this place at least once a month or twice every two months. #7 was and still is kind of special to me. I don't know where this is leading. I'm just hoping that it would hurry up and lead to some kind of conclusion because I'm getting emotionally and physically exhausted analyzing it. I don't like burning bridges and ending relationships on nasty terms, especially when there's no reason for it to end nastily. But.....
I need the man of my standards and dreams to step his ass in to my life now to end this. Any day now would be great.....yeah, thanks.
Yay for contradictions!! I must be getting on my period or this birth control I'm using is making me an emotionally contradicting psychopath.
I should probably start eating ice cream(although I'm lactose intolerant) and stare at pictures of Seth Gable and pretend he's my boyfriend for the rest of the morning. fml...>_< lol
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| I registered a new account on OKCupid.com again. My options were horrid. A friend had recommended another site called, POF.com. Meh, there's only one guy I'm interested in chatting with on there thus far. I hope he replies to my message.
The sad thing is that he looks like a way better version of Mistake#7. I want to text #7 so bad but I know nothing good will ever come of it. I really wanted to be friends with him but we both clearly couldn't handle it (he really had feelings for me and I have a way too high sex drive to "just say no to sex" xD )
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
That guy that looks like an upgraded version of #7 is probably a fucking douche. -_-x Ugh...WHY CAN'T THINGS BE SIMPLE!?
Jesus, searching for a guy is worse than looking for a job. Both of my searches are sucking all kinds of diseased and hairy balls right now.
I don't understand what the problem is here. Can I at least get one of the two. Is it really necessary for me to have a shitty minimum wage job and no sex?
This is slow torture. I would like to blog about some positive events in my life. Seeing there are none, we're all going to have to fucking wait on that to happen.
Fuck...kill me now. I'm tired of this shit....
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